Mormon 6-7

(December 14, 2013)
Nothing will give you cause to reflect than for a prophet to describe a set of circumstances to you, and for you to recognize those circumstances in yourself, and for the prophet to then ascribe those circumstances to sin and wickedness.  That is what happened to me in these chapters.  Lately I have been struggling with what can only be described as a fear of death.  I think of the moment immediately after passing through the veil – if, in that moment, I am aware and will continue to be aware, what rejoicing there will be.  But my rational mind fights against that faith that I hold and wonders what if, in that moment when my eyes close for the final time in mortality, it is simply sleep from which I never wake up?  What if everything that is me is gone in that instant of death?

This thought fills me with terror – not the least of which reason because of the fact that I do not think that reason and rationality can ever be satisfied on this subject.  Faith is a necessary component to understand, and it is similarly necessary to either accept or deny the Atonement and immortality.  We cannot say that there is a hereafter without faith, and we cannot say there is not a hereafter without faith of a different sort.  I struggle with this, and I ruminate on this.  My soul believes, but my mind rebels.  This conflict, and this uncertainty, fills my heart with what can only be described as terror.

I response to this, Mormon is unequivocal.  This fear of death – this terror that clutches my heart and consumes my soul – is the awful fear of death within the breasts of the wicked.  For me to encounter this fear – to fight it and to suffer through it – is a consequence of my failing and my wickedness and my sins.  To not only experience this fear, but to deal with the fact that I am the cause of my own suffering, makes it doubly difficult.