Mosiah 16-17

(September 3, 2014)

                I can think of few more damaging false philosophies in the world than the idea that we are good or righteous.  Once upon a time I believed that I was a pretty good guy.  I kept most of the commandments (other than the ones that I didn’t keep, but I excused myself there because I was trying to keep), and I more or less served in my calling, and I avoided the really big sins (so long as I self-classified the sins I was committing as not really big sins).

                In that state, I managed to drastically shrink my soul in horribly corruptive ways.  I became more and more angry at perceived slights (sometimes not slights at all, but just perceived that way in my mind).  After all, I was righteous (more or less), and so I deserved others to treat me justly and fairly – and when they didn’t, I had the right to be mad.  I failed to go the second mile when dealing with others, because I felt like I had already gone the first mile and I would wait for them to catch up before I started that second mile.  I became, in a word, evil – without even realizing it.

                I don’t know what made me fortunate enough for the Lord to correct me, but correct me He did.  Looking back on myself, my failures of the past have become so very clear to me.  I know, without a doubt, that I was irredeemable in my prior state.  I know that I was an enemy to God.  And it wasn’t just my sins that made me an enemy to God (although, of course, they didn’t help matters).  No, what made me an enemy to God is that I turned my back on the Atonement (although I wouldn’t have categorized my thinking in that way back then – I see things more clearly now than I did in the heat of the moment).

                I didn’t think the Atonement applied to me, because I was pretty righteous to begin with and I was such a good guy that I would make it on my own.  I didn’t think the Atonement applied to other people, because I was living a good life and they were the problem rather than me (but, I acknowledged, if they changed I would accept their changes – this is how I fooled myself into thinking that my testimony of the Atonement was something other than a fraud).

                Since I thought in that way, my soul has been through the mill.  I have fought on the front lines of the War in Heaven within my own heart, and I bear the scars from that battle.  I know, in a way that I intellectually understood before but never internalized, that mankind truly can only accomplish two things in mortality – to repent and to forgive.  The Atonement is about our obligation to do both.  And I need to repent regardless of whether others forgive and I need to forgive regardless of whether others repent.

                Walking the path the Savior set out is not an easy one, but there is great comfort as I feel the scales of ignorance and self-righteousness peeling away.  I am better able to see myself both as unworthy and loved simultaneously.